Personal growth March 29, 2015 By
Think of the person you most like to talk to, confide in, bounce things off of, and share your feelings with. Have you ever thought about why you like talking to that particular person? Chances are it’s because they have an “active listening mindset.” We can all adopt an active listening mindset, but it takes practice. I want to share some tools and tips to help you become an active listener. But before we delve into those tools, let’s take a moment to discuss why listening is important.
Of course, first on the list is that it helps you gain information and learn about the person’s interests, priorities, and perceptions. Second, and probably most important, it meets one of our key needs: to feel heard! We all like to feel we are being heard. When someone is not really, genuinely listening to us, we can sense it. In the book Getting Past No, author Bill Ury says “Listening to someone may be one of the cheapest concessions you can make, and one of the costliest omissions.” It’s that important.
Toro, the big lawn mower and snow blower manufacturer, has figured out how important listening can be for dispute resolution. In 1991, Toro quit litigating suits brought by injured customers and instead focuses on a mediation process whereby injured customers have the opportunity to explain what’s happened, while the company expresses empathy for the injury regardless of who is at fault. According to Toro Corporate Integrity Manager Drew Byers, the injured parties are often very surprised. The company has not been to trial since 1994, and 95 percent of their cases are settled on the day of mediation or shortly thereafter. Byers says that often “these people just want to be heard.”
People want to be heard, and when you really listen to someone, it improves the relationship. A certain trust grows when someone believes you are truly listening to what they have to say. What’s more, if we listen, there is a better chance the other party will listen to us! For example, if someone is trying to tell you something and you choose to not acknowledge it and just keep talking, they will likely assume you didn't hear them and will continue to try and tell you the same information again, either louder or in slightly different words. Until they believe you understand their message, they will continue to send it. The same thing happens in negotiations; if the other side doesn't believe we at least understand what they are saying, they won’t be ready to listen to us until they are convinced we get it.
So let’s take a look at seven active listening tools:
- The first tool in active listening is to encourage. Convey interest and encourage conversation without agreeing or disagreeing. Example: “Can you tell me more?”
- Next is clarifying. Ask questions and encourage the person to explain further to get more information. Example: “When did this happen?”
- To show you are listening and understand, restate basic ideas and facts. Example: “So what I’m hearing you say is, you would like more responsibility.”
- Then reflect back to the person the emotions you’re sensing. This will show the person you understand how they feel or help them see the way their feelings are being perceived by others. Example: “You seem very upset.”
- Summarizing is important to pull together important ideas and facts by restating major ideas and feelings that have been expressed. Example: “These seem to be the key things you've talked about.”
- Validating is acknowledging the value of their issues and feelings. Example: “I appreciate your willingness to resolve this matter.”
- And the final step is closure: confirming the others perspective and making sure they feel completely heard. Example: “Is there anything else you want to tell me about that?”
These are simple things, but they go a long way in making a person feel truly heard. Think of it as a set of skills that can be developed through practice. It does take practice and time to master the skill of active listening, but doing so can minimize misunderstandings, manage conflict, and build trust.
I’d like to leave you with 10 active listening tips:
- Listen without deciding. Be impartial as you’re listening and reserve judgment for later.
- Use a neutral tone of voice.
- Maintain strong eye contact and a relaxed posture. Be aware of your own body language so you don’t give clues to agreement or disagreement.
- Avoid listening autobiographically (by saying “me too” or “I feel the same way”).
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Re-frame to show understanding and get clarity.
- Go through the doors the speaker opens: “Tell me more about that.”
- Get closure; ending abruptly can feel jarring.
- Be authentically interested.
- Practice.
Whether you’re in a work setting or at home working out an issue between family members, active listening is a great method for attaining a deeper understanding of any given situation.
